


dying is easy. living is harder.

by aanau, calangkoh (aanau)



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist (Anime 2003), Fullmetal Alchemist - All Media Types
Genre: Amnesia, Character Study, Post-Fullmetal Alchemist (2003), Short Chapters, Survivor Guilt, Trauma, implied suicidal ideation, no beta these are quickies, song lyric chapter titles, tags to be updated as I go, what of it, yeah i used a hamilton lyric as the title
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-05
Updated: 2020-12-18
Packaged: 2021-03-08 02:26:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,270
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26844355
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aanau/pseuds/aanau, https://archiveofourown.org/users/aanau/pseuds/calangkoh
Summary: Al wakes up in a strange place with no memory of how he got there. They say his brother is dead, that four years have passed since they tried bringing their mother back to life. He feels like a different person but he has no memories to justify it. He doesn't care what other people say. His brother is alive and he'll get him back. He has no other option.Some ficlets analyzing Al post-2003 (including post-CoS)
Relationships: Alphonse Elric & Everyone
Comments: 5
Kudos: 19





	1. children wake up/hold your mistake up

**Author's Note:**

> a ficlet/drabble collection of post-2003/CoS/post-CoS alphonse. some chapters will flow into the next and others will jump around. no endpoint in mind, just an indefinite character study. some headcanons, which i try to keep canon compliant but theres some leeway

Alphonse Elric woke up on a cold hard ground with tears streaming down his face and the echo of a scream lodged in his throat. His hands shot up to grip at his clothes, to feel his skin, his face, to pull his dirty blonde hair. He felt the pulls of the tiny hands like you feel a bug that isn’t really there crawling up your leg. 

But his body was there, and there was no pain. And the next thing he registered was the absence of his brother, who he last saw covered in blood and reaching for him, and unfamiliar room he had found himself in.

Panic set in and he shot to his feet, tears falling even faster and heavier, his mouth curling into a sob. 

“Brother!” 

He yelled. It reverberated down the empty golden halls devoid of any natural light. He choked on another sob.

“Edward! Ed! Where are you?!” 

He looked around, too afraid to give the peculiar transmutation circle beneath his feet more than a second thought, the total isolation in this new place sending sharp pangs of anxiety through his chest, like a sword, like a sword piercing his chest right in front of him with blood everywhere he was dead he was dead like everyone else and he couldn’t move why didn’t he do anything he should have—

Al cringed, the memory paralyzing him, only to leave him again like waking up from a dream. He tried to remember it again, he had to. It was important. But it was gone. 

He screamed for his brother again, and when the idea of someone responding became scarier than the silence, he decided to run. 

He ran wherever there was light, because the shadows in this place were darker than anything he had ever seen. Eventually he found his way out of the building and gasped. An entire city, lifeless, rested beneath a rock sky in front of him. He stood frozen in place, until he heard shuffling footsteps. 

“Who’s there?” he asked quietly. 

Two figures emerged from an alleyway, hobbling towards him. One a beautiful girl in an extravagant ball gown holding a baby, and a young boy about his age with a mess of long dark hair gripping tightly to her. 

Al stepped back and held up his hands, ready to turn them to fists if need be. He momentarily wondered why his first instinct was to fight, regardless of the rigorous training he had gone through to be adept at it. It just wasn’t like him to feel threatened by some nice-seeming people. 

The girl gasped as she came to a stop in front of him. The long-haired boy eyed him suspiciously. Al relaxed his stance and broke the stunned silence.

“H-hello...Who are you? Where am I?”

The girl gaped, mouth moving with no words coming out. Finally, she croaked out, “A-Al?”

Al’s face felt hot with embarrassment, “I’m so sorry. I don’t...I don’t recognize you. H-how do we know each other?” 

“Al, it’s Rose. You don’t know me?”

The name didn't ring any bells, but he didn't want to be rude. “I’m sorry. I just...I just woke up here and I’m really confused. Do you know where my brother is?” 

He wiped at his tears and regarded the strange boy partially hidden by Rose's poofy dress. He only had one arm and one leg, propped up against her, and half of his body had nasty burns. He looked like he had suffered so much that it made Al forget his own confusion for a moment.

“H-hi,” Al tried with a watery smile.

The boy just stared. He looked afraid of him. Which for some reason felt appropriate. A tiny voice in the back of his mind said he _should_ be afraid of him. But that didn’t make any sense. Al didn't see himself as a threat, and he didn't want anyone to ever be scared of him. 

Rose spoke again, her voice sounding weak. 

“Al...I thought...Ed said he’d be right behind us. Then we heard screaming and...did he…?”

Rose’s face crumpled, “And you don’t remember?”

Al's eyebrows furrowed. His heart was starting to sink, like something was way more wrong than he already felt. “The last thing I remember is...is…” he shouldn’t be telling her this, but she felt trustworthy, “starting the transmutation to bring Mom back. My brother, Ed, and I were trying to bring her back to life. We prepared for so long but something went wrong,” his voice was getting thicker, it was harder to breathe. Everything around him was blurring. Flashes of the transmutation burned behind his eyelids. The sickening purple and otherworldly wind. A flash of lightning followed by a sudden sharp and burning pain. A giant stone doorway and inhumane smiles awaited him once his molecules finished disassembling. He reached for his brother, but his brother was stopped by something. He wasn't sure what, but Ed had blood on him. A lot of it.

“It hurt, and, and Ed was reaching for me—“

Someone hurt his brother. He didn't know who but the idea stopped the flood of memories, slamming that big stone doorway shut. Al’s hands turned to fists, and that unnatural sensation of rage bubbled in his gut. It felt foreign to him, but also like it had been there for a while. But he didn’t remember it ever being there before…?

“Where is he?” he demanded with a low growl in his voice that was so unusual for him that it shocked him back to the present, and he instantly apologized, “S-sorry...I don’t know why I’m so mad," he blushed, "I’m just scared. Can you please help me?”

Rose shifted the baby in her arms and reached one of them out to pull Al into an embrace. Al's entire body seized up like it was the first time he'd ever been touched. It took him a moment to get used to the feeling before he melted into the warmth. 

“Alphonse,” she choked, “I think...I think Ed is gone. I’m so sorry.”

“What?”

“You were...he was...Alphonse listen,” she pulled back and kept her free hand firmly on his shoulder. 

“There’s so much to explain. Let’s just get out of here for now. I’ll explain on the way,” her eyes darted around the cavern, and Al couldn’t blame her for not wanting to stick around. This place gave him the creeps. 

But still…

“No!” Al stepped back. “You said my brother was here. I’m not leaving without him!”

Rose scanned his face, lips pursed in thought but eyes teary. “Did you wake up in a transmutation circle?”

Al had to think about it, since he had been too panicked to properly analyze the weird array, “Y-yes.”

Rose sighed, “Ed must have sacrificed himself for you. He’s gone, Al. I’m so sorry.”

The words rang in his ears, he shook his head and without realizing it, he had fallen to his knees and started to cry. And then the baby in Rose’s arms started to cry. And since Rose had to comfort her baby, the strange boy took on the responsibility of comforting Al. He kneeled down and put his hand on Al’s shoulder, simultaneously using him as a crutch for balance. He seemed awkward and unsure, and Al was equally so, but any physical comfort at all felt like a miracle to him. He leaned into the touch and sobbed. 

Time passed. It felt like hours but was probably only minutes. Al got to his feet and helped the boy up, allowing him to lean on him so that Rose could hold her baby better.

“Let’s go,” Al said hollowly, eyes fixed on the ground. 

They walked a bit before Al had the energy to ask, “What’s your name?”

“Wrath.” 

Al tried not to make a face or sound judgemental, “That’s...an interesting name.”

“Thank you.”

They walked in silence until they found the sunlight again, and Al felt ready for an official explanation of where he was and who these two strange people were and how they knew him, but then hell broke loose as dozens of military personnel filed into the cathedral. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> al should be naked i know but just pretend ed was kind enough when transmuting to remember what al had been wearing and make clothes for him


	2. soon it will all be over, and buried with our past

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The last time the Elrics saw each other, they were in a fight. Then they were separated for three years. Now they're back together in Munich with a whole lot unspoken.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title: Little Talks by Of Monsters and Men. this song fits the Elric brothers post-series so much I had trouble picking a lyric. 
> 
> dialogue heavy chapter, because it's the two arguing/talking. bear with me.

Ed knocked on the door, didn’t wait for a reply, opened it, and without taking a breath blurted out, “We need to talk!” 

Alphonse released the section of hair he was holding between a pair of scissors, and held them up in a gesture, “I’m kinda in the middle of something,” he forced out a laugh. 

“This can’t wait anymore,” Ed said red-faced, as he shut the door behind him. “I’ve been waiting for you to say something, but you won’t, which is really weird for you, so I’m saying something now.” 

Al put the scissors down on the dresser, “You sure this can’t wait until my hair isn’t half-cut? I look ridiculous.” 

“Nope!” 

Al sighed, “Okay.” 

They just stared at each other for a good thirty seconds. It was hard to find where or how to start.

Ed looked like he was just about to throw up, “Al, please, I am begging you to say something first. I don’t...I don’t even know where to begin.” 

Al’s cold detachment up until this point suddenly melted away and he found himself raising his voice, “Well I don’t either! You’re the one who wants to talk! Why don’t  _ you _ tell me what  _ you  _ wanna talk about, Brother!” 

Unsurprisingly, Ed matched his volume, throwing his arms up in frustration, “You’re such an idiot! What do you think?! The last time we saw each other—“

“You died.”

“Yeah! Yeah I died! And we were fighting! And I kinda feel like we still are! Are you mad at me or what? Do you hate me for what I did to M—Sloth?”

“I’ve told you before that I could never hate you! I told you when I crossed the Gate that I wanted to be by your side, and I wasn’t lying. Would you just get over yourself?” 

Ed narrowed his eyes, “No.” 

“You’re the worst. I don’t hate you, Brother. I love you.”

Ed hesitated, “I love you, too, Al. But would you just talk to me?”

“Okay, I’m mad! I’m mad you didn’t listen to me, I’m mad you went behind my back and dug up her grave and decided to kill her on your own, I’m mad you died when we had a promise, and I’m mad you didn’t respect my decision to use the stone to bring you back! I’m  _ mad _ , Ed! And I didn’t want to talk about it because I just got you back and you just lost the other Alfonse, and because you have this enormous guilt complex that I don’t really wanna feed right now and feel bad about it. Are you happy now?” 

“Of course I didn’t respect your decision to sacrifice yourself because it was a stupid ass decision!”

“Oh please, you’re the king of stupid ass decisions! I don’t care if it was a stupid decision. I don’t care if it was selfish! It was mine! It was mine, unlike you deciding to kill Mom which should have been  _ ours _ !”

“She wasn’t our mom, Al!”

“And so what?! I knew what she was! But why’d you have to  _ kill her _ ?! Without my consent? And  _ in front of me _ ! You made the decision without me, you went behind my back, and then you still roped me into it so I had to watch and be unable to stop you—“

“It’s not like it was an easy decision—“

“—because you’re so stubborn—“

“I still have nightmares about—“

“But since you always have to be right about everything, fine! You were right—“

“I didn’t  _ want  _ to be right—“

“You were right to kill Mom! You were right and I was wrong and stupid and naive and I let her manipulate me—“

“It was hard for me too—“

“You were right—“

“I just wanted to spare you the pain of killing her! I kept it from you so you wouldn’t have to live with it like me! I’m sorry I failed, but she was smart and used you as a shield! I didn’t want you there for it! It was supposed to be just me and Lust and you were supposed to be waiting back at the hotel room and I would have told you and I would’ve let you be angry with me but at least you wouldn’t have had to watch—“

“It’s still my decision—“

“And by the way,  _ you went behind my back too!  _ What the  _ hell _ were you thinking going to Tucker?”

Al gawked. After a moment of processing  _ oh he’s really turning it back around to me _ he shut his gaping mouth and started back up, kicking up the volume a notch.

“I was thinking that since you were keeping secrets from me and going off to do your own thing, I didn’t want to stand by useless and in the dark any longer. I had the stone! It was what we were searching for for so long! You wouldn’t  _ talk to me!  _ You weren’t telling me anything and I was sick of waiting when I could  _ do something _ ! I was sick of doing  _ nothing _ and  _ knowing nothing _ !”

“How could you think to use the stone?! We agreed we wouldn’t use human lives! We wouldn’t profit off of the suffering of others!”

“I don’t know, I—I didn’t want to believe I was the byproduct of a massacre! Scar turned me into the Philosopher’s Stone and I didn’t want to think about what that meant!”

“Well that’s pretty stupid!” 

“Shut up! I know! I was stupid!”

“And you still used it to bring me back!”

“Yeah! Like I said it was  _ my decision _ ! I don’t  _ care  _ what your  _ opinion  _ about it is! Jerk!” 

“Just tell me  _ why  _ then! We agreed to never use the stone for ourselves, and we agreed if one of us ever died we would keep moving forward, that we’d never make the decision to die.”

“Well look what you did!”

“I know, only because you did it first! Now stop dodging the question!”

“Who’s the stupid one now! What else could I have done? Tell me what else! Walk out of there knowing I’m still alive because 7000 people died? What would you have done?”

Ed seemed to sit on that question for a moment, before admitting, “I’m not sure.”

“Well  _ I was! I was sure! _ If I used the stone to get my body back I’d have to live with that choice, with a body made from the souls of people who  _ didn’t _ have a choice. If I didn’t use the stone I’d have to spend eternity in that...in that  _ damn _ armor! But  _ you  _ deserved to live. For once I had some choice over what happened to me. I was so sick of people around me dying and me in that stupid armor unable to even feel pain or even basic things like fear. People kept dying and they’d keep dying and I’d keep living, and I’ve done  _ nothing _ to make my life worth that much. But you’ve always helped people and saved lives. You could have had a future I couldn’t have had in the armor. You could have walked out of there and changed the world and been happy with Winry. Instead you had to take away the one decision I ever made for myself that I was happy with and put me through three years of confusion and desperation while you suffered on this side of the Gate. All alone! When you didn’t have to be!” 

Ed put his hands to his forehead and groaned loud enough for people on the street outside to pause and look around, “Your life is worth so much, Al! Don’t say that!” 

Al’s ears rang and his voice felt tired from all this yelling, and the adrenaline just seemed to drain all at once. He didn’t have the energy to stand anymore, so he walked over the bed—Alfons’s bed, of course, because Alfons died and now he was still here taking his place and using his stuff—and sat down. He could just barely choke out,

“And yet even more people died. Back in Central because of me. And I’m still here. With my brother just like I wanted. What could I ever do with my life to make up for that?” 

Ed lowered his hands and his golden eyes, which had dulled over the last few years much to Al’s despair, stared wide eyed at his brother. 

He fidgeted and swallowed a lump in his throat. He clearly didn’t know what to say, but Al didn’t expect him to. 

“I’m really  _ really _ happy you’re here with me,” Ed finally said. 

“You don’t seem happy,” Al countered.

“Because...it’s complicated. We’ve had all this  _ shit _ to talk about and I still can’t believe you gave up home and everything we know and love just to follow me here. What if you regret it? And what if a part of you will never forgive me but you’re stuck with me now?”

“You really have a hard time respecting my choices, don’t you?” Al scoffed.

“I respect them,” Ed assured.

Ed sighed and took a seat on the bed. Strangely, this was the closest they’ve gotten since they got here. The two wanted so bad to wrap each other in the tightest hug, noogie each other’s hair, do their old handshake. But it had been so long that it wasn’t as easy to resume their old brotherly touchiness as they thought it would be when they got their bodies back, and all this tension between them made it seem downright impossible. 

“I’m sorry, Alphonse,” Ed said, “I don’t...regret anything, but I’m sorry what I did hurt you.” 

“I’m sorry, too. I...I know it was hard for you. I didn’t really help in making it any less difficult.” 

“Yeah, yeah you were a real pain,” Ed said lightly.

Al scoffed, “Thanks, Brother.”

“You’re too good a person, Al. It was a lot we had to deal with, and I just wanted to protect that. I wanted you to stay my innocent little brother. But I didn’t think about what you wanted. I’m sorry. Nothing was your fault.”

“Wasn’t yours either.”

“Well that’s debatable.”

“Oh shut up. Yeah, we committed the taboo. We made mistakes that got us into a big mess. But we’re human. All that stuff with Scar and Dante and the other homunculi and the corrupt military we couldn’t have predicted. But it happened, whether it was deserved or not, and we just have to move forward and deal with it.”

Ed shifted next to him to face him more. 

“Everything will get better, Al. I promise. We just have to adjust. I already know this world pretty well, so I can help you through it. We’ve got each other. And you can talk to me about anything. No matter what, you’re my brother and I love you.”

Ed’s hand came up and it hung there for a moment, before it wrapped around Al’s shoulder and pulled him into a, albeit rather awkward, side hug. 

Al felt tears prickle the corner of his eyes, “Stop.” 

Ed stiffened and pulled away. 

Al wiped his eye and stood up, extending his arms, “That was a bad hug.”

Ed grinned and tackled him. 

“God your hair looks so stupid,” Ed laughed.

“Well help me cut the rest of it. You’re better at it.”

“You got it.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter came from this post analyzing how the brothers were not on very good terms when they separated at the end of the series: https://calangkoh.tumblr.com/post/637778247359381504/calangkoh-calangkoh-so-i-already-said-how


End file.
